I grew up with my Mom and Dad and I had two older brothers. I was adopted but my brothers were not. I can remember my mom holding my hand and looking deep in my eyes, almost into my spirit and telling me that I was adopted.   She said she just knew she wanted a girl and at then my Dad asked her if she would adopt. Everything just fell into place, coincidently having the same timing of my birth mothers pregnancy, and next thing there I was in my Moms arms. My mom said I would not let her out of my sight for the next 2 years

After she told me this It got me to start thinking and because I always felt that I did not belong, so when I heard this everything clicked into place, it was almost a relief because now I knew I was right, there was something else out there for me and I most certainly had a purpose,  I just had no idea what that was.

I was a typical looking Canadian girl, blonde, blue eyed and tall. I developed real early in life so since I was 11 I looked at least 18. By the time I was 14 I could easily walk into a bar.

Typical Canadian family, my brothers played hockey and I played basket ball. My dad was in the RCMP and my mom worked for the government of Canada. Growing up I never had a lot of friends I was always too curious and would get bored with people very quickly.

From the time I could remember I was always in awe of anyone that had travelled. I could sit for hours listening to their stories and the watching to see if there was a secret they had that enabled them to venture out so far?

The furthest our family ventured out was Winnipeg in my parent’s station wagon. My Dad was a real penny pincher so we drove all the way there and he had all 5 of us sleep on the side of the road along the way. I can remember my Dad yelling at us to stop fighting all the way there and all the way back and my Mom begging him to stop for one night at a hotel, which he would explain was far too expensive.

My brothers would pick their nose and wipe it on me, which would make me start vomiting and then my Dad would start yelling at all of us to stop it or he’s going to drop us off on the side of the road. My brothers would be quiet for a few minutes giving me a moment to start thinking, what would I do if I got dropped off. Then I’d see the driver behind me raising his fist to us, as I turned and looked at my brothers, they were fingering other cars driving by. It was a nightmare and needless to say it wasn’t much of a fun adventure.

I decided by the time I was 12 that I had a calling in this world, I had no idea what, but I knew it was starting to call me. The only problem was that was still too young and that frustrated me so much

 

Finally I figured since I was adopted a new family would be a good start and so I decided I would search for my birth family. I hitchhiked from Victoria to Kamloops 281 miles away, marched into the Kamloops General Hospital and demanded my birth records.  I was told I would have to be 18. I tried to argue with them, but I knew at some point it wasn't going to happen so I left. I can remember walking out of the Hospital down the hill that that the hospital was at the top of and wondering if maybe my parents were driving past me and, maybe my mom was a nurse…... 

I started hitchhiking on the highway and ended up getting picked up by the police, who took me in and called my Dad. My Dad had to drive and pick me up. From the time I was 12– 14 my Dad had to pick me up or send a plane ticket from Winnipeg, Montreal, Toronto, Calgary, Vancouver, and Campbell River. Every opportunity I got I would just take off- no idea where I was going, I just always had to be searching

By the time I was 16 I was pregnant.  Three days after my 17th birthday I gave birth to a girl.  My boyfriend who got me pregnant had runaway with me to Shushwap Lake, so no one would know I was pregnant.  We lived there for 2 months and he beat me up most nights, one night he started to argue with me that I should comb my hair not brush it and after he got physically, I walked in the kitchen took knife went to the bedroom an stabbed him. 

The police came and decided they were not going to press charges against me, instead they called my parents and I was sent home, again except this time I was pregnant and my parents never knew.

As soon as I got home I had to explain.  My parents tried to be supportive but did not want everybody to know I was pregnant and they wanted me to give the child up for adoption. We decided with the help from a pro-life agency I would go live with a Christian family 150 miles up island until I gave birth.  At the time, this seemed reasonable.  By the time I left my parents house, my boyfriend had come back to Victoria to live. I heard through the grape vine that he had a new girlfriend that he brought back the stripper he met while we were at shushwap – I was 16 yrs old , pregnant  and completely broken up. I thought maybe hed come home and save me from from this and maybe I could keep my baby

 I was due in December and I began to live in the Christian home the beginning of August . It's was the longest drawn out time of my life to this day. I used to lie in bed and talk to my baby most of the day. I learned to crochet and watched a lot of Lawrence Welk, that was the extent of the next four months.  I went into labor and on my 17^th  birthday and was brought into the hospital shortly after.  I stayed in labor for five days until I gave birth with help of forceps. At one point Dean, the women I was staying with offered to come into the room while I was in labour. I told her no, I wanted my MOM. The nurses called my Mom and she said she could not come.

I gave birth to my daughter Dec 5, 5am. As soon as I was finished giving birth I was brought back to my room. I asked the nurses to bring me my baby. They didn't agree that I should be with the baby, since I was giving her up and this made me furious. I tried to throw my legs off the bed as the nurse left and to my surprise they did not work I went straight on the floor with a hard flop. The nurses came running in and asked me what the hell I was doing; I told them I wanted to see my baby – now! They helped me back into bed and then hesitantly brought me my daughter. I laid her down beside and as I looked in her eyes, I loved her.

I laid there for hours and then when my legs still were numb I started to worry that my baby would crawl away. I called for the nurse and explained that I was concerned if the baby started to crawl away if I fell asleep and my legs were still numb, so I could not go after her. It was the same nurse asearlier who found me on the floor, she looked at me and shook her head , took my baby and said to me, babies cant crawl

I could hear her crying in the nursery and I would ask the nurse to bring me my baby and she wouldn’t.. Finally the doctor came and told the nurses to bring me my baby whenever I asked . Once I was able to walk, I would walk down and push her bassinet up to my room. As soon as I touched her bassinet, she would stop crying. Each night Id fall asleep the nurses would quietly come in and try to wheel her out- Id immediately wake and tell them to leave her. It was on going for the duration of my 6 day say.  I didn't know how I was going to leave her. I just tried to not think about it until I had to. Instead I just enjoyed every moment I was there, that I was her mother

On the seventh day I left the hospital I will never forget that day.  As I packed my things I felt strong I kept telling myself to everything is going to be ok and I must stay strong, but once I reached the door I could feel the doctors and the nurses staring at me. I could feel their emotions, combining with my own. At the last moment I could not step out of the door. I dropped to the ground and could not stop crying. With the help of Dean and the doctor they must have got me into the car.

The next thing I knew I called my parents and begged them to come for me first thing the next morning.  They came and picked me up and as we were driving home we drove past the hospital.  I said do you want to stop and see the baby?  My father told me we didn’t have enough time and that was the end of that

Looking back I would say that that's probably what ignited the next 20 years of my life.  It was not my nature to give up my baby for adoption; I think the whole thing put me into shock.  Soon after I became involved in drugs and although it felt good to numb the pain, there was something in the very back of my head that kept on telling me that this was not my destiny, this was not for me.